I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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