Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
