Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
