He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
