Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize