loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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