we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
