My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
