Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
