Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
