I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She's just so happy...and so naked.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
