C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
