He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize