theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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