Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize