Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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