I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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