I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
