It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
