I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
