wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize