We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Pants are for mortals
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
