I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
is wine microwaveable?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
