he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
