I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
