I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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