why didn't you poke me back
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
