I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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