six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
