Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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