I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
