anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
