I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
