dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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