Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
