Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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