Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
