elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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