I just threw up on my dentist
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
