the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I need to calm my uterus...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
