I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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