Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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