she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
