It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize