very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
