I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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