My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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