did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
