I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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