Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
