she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize