grandma shit on top of the toilet
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
