Barsexuality is the new black.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
