every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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