We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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