it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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