I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
