I got chris browned last night
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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