2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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