funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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