Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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