i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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