I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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