he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
