Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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