You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
