i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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