Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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